10th
Even Hitler had a girlfriend
So it is no secret that I am notoriously known to attract some interesting guys. Interesting usually in a bad way. My track record sucks, it’s no secret (gay guys, wannabe priests, un-priests). It’s my 4th year in college… this time around, I’m just trying to get things right. Whoever is next up has to be an awesome guy. He HAS to be or else I quit forever.
Too bad the lame-o’s that like me are making this process very difficult. Welcome to my first semester so far as explained through the guys that have liked me:
1. Oldest friend in the book/friend considered brother. Why must you tell me you’ve liked me for 3 years. You know that once you’ve reached brother-zone there is NO chance in reversing that. EVER. EVER. EVER. Please make it weird from here on out everytime we see each other and you drukenly feel the need to “confess” some deep words that you’ve been repressing for 3 years. I respect you as a friend and person and I think you’re great, but the thought of you coming near me in a tender physical way (yes I just said tender, yes it was creepy) REALLY FREAKING GROSES ME OUT.
2. Boyfriend of a good friend. Oh? You want to go downtown one night? Seems harmless enough. We’re friends and we’ve been friends for years… you are forever in the friend zone, nothing is going to change my 2nd to last semester of college. There are 27,000 people here, there will be no recycling of boyfriends when there is FRESH MEAT thank you very much. Ok fine, we did a group hang downtown with everyone and had fun… THIS DOES NOT MEAN that we are forever obligated to go downtown together weekly so please please please stop asking. You are a nice guy, but this is just too weird. Plus, by now, I’m sure you know… GIRLS DON’T DATE OTHER GIRLS’ EX-BOYFRIENDS. It’s the golden rule.
3. The desperate guy. Okay so the 318 girls have already established that it is okay for you to be desperate if you’re a senior… it’s normal. It is NOT normal however, to be as desperate as desperate guy. He shows up at your house in the middle of the night to non-chalantly ask you out in what must be the most awkward exchange in all of 318 history. It’s late, I’m in my PJs NOT expecting anyone to come over. My roomate tells me somebody is here to see me so I run downstairs in what I have on because who coming this late do I need to impress? I run downstairs and he makes an even MORE awkward comment about headlights. Hello, who the hell comes over this late only to call someone out for not having a bra on. Get the hell out of my house asshole. Then when after the worst ask-out ever… I make up some lame excuse about how I am a commitment-phobe (which is somewhat true, but no matter how commitmentphobic you are, once the right person comes along, you will throw that excuse out the window). He was NOT somebody to void that excuse for not even close. Even worse is that, he responded by saying… “well you wouldn’t have to see me everday.” EXCUSE ME?! WTF, this is NOT a debatable issue. That’s like saying, “it’s okay, you can put a paper bag over my head when we do it.” Here’s a life lesson for you desperate guy: no matter how desperate you are (which is pretty damn desperate), you should NEVER abase yourself to the point where it’s acceptable for your girlfriend to not want to see you/put a paper bag over your head.
4. Better be someone freaking awesome or else I’m done.
