17th
Whore-o-ween, I mean Halloween.
That’s right fellow assholes, Halloween is right around the corner and that pretty much means one thing…
EVERY SKETCHBALL THAT PARTAKES IN THIS HOLIDAY IS INEVITABLY GOING TO GET SOME. When I say sketchball, this includes the kids that have never been kissed, the guys who have never been close enough to a boob to grab it… pretty much, EVERYONE! Remember when this use to be a wholesome holiday? Leave it to college to skank it up.
I don’t know whether to be repulsed or to think that this holiday is hilarious. I think it’s a delicious concauction of both.
Reasons for repulsion (gosh let me count the ways):
- GUYS are CREEPY! Moreso than usual because they have have an excuse to get away with it. This excuse is called a mask. Gosh, you know a guy is up there on the sketch-scale when he has to wear a freaking mask or face paint on halloween. If you can’t even show your face on the biggest day of intoxication ever… you must have been hit hard by the f-ug stick. If my beer goggles need help from your mask to make you semi-acceptable, than this will be a huge problem.
Example circa Halloween 2005: My good friend wakes up the morning after Halloween with red and black paint on her face. She called asking what happened because there was no paint involved in her halloween costume. We informed her that she had made out with some guy but we were too drunk to remember the details. Well, here comes Facebook to the rescue with pics of her and face-paint guy swallowing each other’s faces… upon careful examination, he was an ugo. Sad story.
- Girls who shouldn’t be in skimpy clothes… in skimpy clothes. GROSS! No, it’s not okay to be muffin topping over your sparkley underwear and matching retard bra. If i wanted to see a trainwreck, I would just open a tabloid and see what Britney Spears is up to this week… or I could just replay the VMAs in my head. Not that I would do either… I most DEFINITELY do NOT want to see your junk flapping in the wind. Save your jiggley bits for… I don’t know… a personal trainer and a low carb diet? (Note: 318 girls do not support eating disorders, nothing is worse than ana and mia. GROSS!) Even if your junk is not flappy… we as girls do not want to see it period… but that’s probably because we don’t have penises.
- People ruining relationships. Gosh, leave it to whore-o-ween to destory a perfectly good relationship. Oh, your girlfriend goes to a different school and you plan on going out with your broskies as the teenage mutant ninja turtles? Good luck staying faithful. Gosh, we all know how that end of the week phone date is going to end. I’m not saying all guys will be tempted, but leave it to your penis and cheap shots of liquor to screw you over.
- The consumption of some of the grossest alcohol known to mankind. Oh you’re going to Kappa Alpha’s halloween bash? Oh the cover is $10. Have fun drinking all the nasty Aristocrat your system can handle before it shuts down and goes into a coma. You’re better off just going to a bar and licking the ground. I’m sure the alcohol there will be better quality.
- Bitches in heels. FINE! We get it, the hooker boots make your outfit look totally cute. Hey hot shit, do us all a favor and don’t complain about how much your feet hurt if YOU are making the choice to go out in them. Do you think drunk guy in a gorilla mask is going to care if you have your hooker boots on versus flip flops? I think neg.
Why Halloween is HILARIOUS!
- Again, drunk bitches. What is greater in life than seeing a whore wipe out in her 9 inch heels as she tries to drunkenly tip toe on the slippery ass floor to the keg… at the foot of a guy dressed in a priest costume as he says “this is god punishing you.” Yes, true story, this DID happen, and I am so glad I was there to witness it with my friend who was dressed as a priest.
- Stupid people who wear underwear as their costume in 30 degree weather without a DD. Gosh, nothing makes me drunkenly smile more than riding home in a warm car and watching you get questioned by the police for possibly being a hooker.
- People making bad life choices. This includes gross people hooking up with gross people. Hot people hooking up with gross people… etc.
- Knowing that the walk of shames the next morning will probably be the best ones you’ll see all year or possibly of ALL TIME
- Um, JOE’S DINER at 2AM. Gosh, what is better than a diner full of people in half malfunctioning costumes impatiently waiting for their food? Oh, I know… the pseudo prostitutes getting questioned by the police, but you know the scene at Joe’s is a close second.
- DUH, the amazing costumes. Usually that of guys and not of skanky girls. For girls this is the general eqation used to generate a costume. SKANKY (fill in occupation here). For guys, they are almost always more imaginative/hilarious/awesome. Some past examples: I saw a guy last year go as a “cock block” - he wore a HUGE box and would stand between people who were trying to hook up. GENIUS! Hmm let’s see what else? I mean aside from all the Napoleon Dynamites and Pedro’s… I can’t think of anything right now but you get the idea… creative genuis at it’s best is what makes this holiday great… that and all the sluts.
As for me, my involvement in Halloween festivities will all depend on the weather. If it’s feeling like a tundra, you can bet your ass, I will not be dressed up for this shit.
